To my dear-though-as-of-yet-unborn Raisa,

Even though we have yet to meet, you are in my thoughts often, and I am so excited for you to be born and to finally get to see you and snuggle you and gaze into your eyes and welcome you to our family. We have all been talking and preparing for your birth. Nicolas is pretty young, but he has been planning where you will sit in the car and where you will sleep and what you will spend your days doing.

Mariana is so eager to spend time with you and bond with you that she wants to skip summer camp, and just stay at home with us. And she wants to watch your birth and hold you on your very first day of life.

We can’t wait to get to know all of the little quirks and personality traits that make you you. I am so curious about what your personality will be like, and I can’t wait to see you (so soon!) and revel in your presence and your uniqueness.

But I feel the most pain and worry when I imagine your life. With the others, at least, we had time to establish a solid foundation and we got in quite a few good years, enough that they can be sure of my caring and unwavering love for them.

I am worried you may grow up feeling different from them, maybe not having as strong of a base of time when you feel safe and protected in my love. Maybe you will have no memory of that at all, and that makes me so sad. You deserve a loving, caring, engaged mother, and even though I haven’t met you, I love you already and would give my life for you, and all I want is for you to know that you are so very, very loved, and that I would do anything for a little more time to be truly present with you and your siblings.

Please know that whatever you are experiencing now, that our true family is full of love, and that your mother loves you so very, very much.

I had no idea that we would be bringing you into a family tbat would be struggling  so much to hold itself, and I ‘m so, so, sorry. I

I am so very sad that my relationship with you will be cut off sooner than I would have chosen, and I want you to know when you are feeling hurt or disappointed, that your mother loves you so much you. I am fighting to spend more time with you and the rest of the family, and to spare you all pain. Probably, HD will be too strong for me, but I’m going to do everything I can to spend just a little more time with you.

I love you so, so much!

Your mother


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