To my dear Nicolas,

You are such a joy to me, and I’m so grateful to be your mom. You have so much personality even at the age of 4, and I love, love, love having conversations with you and reading books with you and watching you play.

Every day, in the car on the way to school, we talk which streets we are going to take to school, and what we’ll see along the way. You will tell me to turn left on Kessler, or turn right on 52nd St. You are very serious about learning about how all of the streets fit together, and about talking about things you’ve observed. “This is Fox Hill Road. But there are no foxes. Where are they?”

I also love how, each morning when you wake up you say, “Let’s check and see what day it is.” And then we get out my phone and you say, “It’s Wednesday, January 6” (or whatever the day it is).

I love how systematic and orderly you are in your approach to the world.   You are so methodical and planned in your approach to play. You love to lay out the alphabet blocks in order, and then put animals that start with the corresponding letter next to them.   When we read books, you make a point of putting your finger under every single word, whether you can read it or not.

I also love watching how you look up so much to your older brother and sister, and how much you trust and love them.   You know that you can count on them to love you and keep you safe, and you love following their lead and playing with them . It warms my heart to see how much love you are enveloped in right now.

 

I wish so incredibly much that things could stay this way forever. I worry so much about your childhood going downhill, and you having to deal with trauma and confusion pain caused by me.   It breaks my heart, and I wish there were something I could do to prevent that.   It makes me sick to think of you having to cope with your mother slowly fading away. I can’t imagine how painful that must be for you to witness, and the stress that it is causing our entire family.

And that makes me so sad, because all I want is to be your mother in her entirety, not some fading, contorted shadow of her. I always imagined getting wiser as I grew older – I never imagined regressing and causing you all so much pain.

I regret that so much that you are going to have all of these heavy issues to cope with during your childhood, because I love you so much, and all I want is to be there for you to love you and protect you.   I wish more than anything that I could be more present with you, and have more time with you as you grow older.

Please know that I love you to pieces and I care so, so much for you.   I desperately hope that I will someone get to spend at least a few more years as a source of love and comfort in your life.

I love you so much!

Your mother

You are such a joy to me, and I’m so grateful to be your mom. You have so much personality even at the age of 4, and I love, love, love having conversations with you and reading books with you and watching you play.

Every day, in the car on the way to school, we talk which streets we are going to take to school, and what we’ll see along the way. You will tell me to turn left on Kessler, or turn right on 52nd St. You are very serious about learning about how all of the streets fit together, and about talking about things you’ve observed. “This is Fox Hill Road. But there are no foxes. Where are they?”

I also love how, each morning when you wake up you say, “Let’s check and see what day it is.” And then we get out my phone and you say, “It’s Wednesday, January 6” (or whatever the day it is).

I love how systematic and orderly you are in your approach to the world.   You are so methodical and planned in your approach to play. You love to lay out the alphabet blocks in order, and then put animals that start with the corresponding letter next to them.   When we read books, you make a point of putting your finger under every single word, whether you can read it or not.

I also love watching how you look up so much to your older brother and sister, and how much you trust and love them.   You know that you can count on them to love you and keep you safe, and you love following their lead and playing with them . It warms my heart to see how much love you are enveloped in right now.

 

I wish so incredibly much that things could stay this way forever. I worry so much about your childhood going downhill, and you having to deal with trauma and confusion pain caused by me.   It breaks my heart, and I wish there were something I could do to prevent that.   It makes me sick to think of you having to cope with your mother slowly fading away. I can’t imagine how painful that must be for you to witness, and the stress that it is causing our entire family.

And that makes me so sad, because all I want is to be your mother in her entirety, not some fading, contorted shadow of her. I always imagined getting wiser as I grew older – I never imagined regressing and causing you all so much pain.

I regret that so much that you are going to have all of these heavy issues to cope with during your childhood, because I love you so much, and all I want is to be there for you to love you and protect you.   I wish more than anything that I could be more present with you, and have more time with you as you grow older.

Please know that I love you to pieces and I care so, so much for you.   I desperately hope that I will someone get to spend at least a few more years as a source of love and comfort in your life.

I love you so much!

Your mother

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